February 12, 2013

Lately (Lots of Words)

So I have not really updated this blog much at all, other than new product updates or promotions. I suppose I never told you all that I moved out of my home office and am now working in some leased space! It is in a safe building, is around 600 square feet, about 4 minutes from my home, and serves as a nice dumping ground for all things Gingiber.

It is not really pretty. Very utilitarian. Filled with metal shelves and folding tables. We can never seem to have enough tables for work space :)

The we, I am referring to, are my lovely helpers, Angela, who is now sewing all of the Gingiber pillows, and Vanessa, my shipping specialist. I have to say, I am not good with change. Or trusting other people to help me. I am not good at letting go of complete control. But these 2 gals are simply wonderful!

I moved out of my house for several reasons. Gingiber had outgrown my spare bedroom. The house was always filled with Uline boxes, unshipped packages, scraps of fabric, etc. Also, I was working 100% of the time. Like in between feeding the kids and showering, I was always thinking about work. I was trying to create some boundaries in my life by separating work and life.

So now I go to my studio 3 days a week, but only for 15 hours a week. And really that is not enough time. In fact, I feel like I am even more stressed than ever. Before the move, I could simply run and do something if I had a spare 15 minutes. Now I am keeping a monstrous to-do list, finding that I am never catching up. There are still a lot of kinks to work out in order to have a smooth operation. But I know this separation is for the best.

Yet, as I mentioned, I am kinda like an unfocused ball of nerves. I don't know what it is, changing business locations, my health (which never seems to be regulated), the constant stress and unknown of if we will be moving over the summer, etc. But I just haven't felt at peace.

I really don't know what it will take for me to feel content. I don't think I have ever been content. I feel like if there is a straight line to walk, I will always manage to go in a zig-zag motion. Also, the "down time" of the sales season, that fall off right after the holiday rush of crazy business, really has affected my confidence.

Which I know is silly. Because Gingiber is doing well enough. I am driving my business. Creating products that I am proud of. Nathan is finally being paid a small salary now that he is graduated. So some of the financial burden has been lifted.

But still I feel like my business and my identity have intertwined with one another. I think that I need to figure out how to love myself. Whether or not Gingiber is thriving. And loving myself is hard. Like many creatives I know, I am very hard on myself. I hold myself to this impossible standard. I am critical of myself and pick apart my own flaws. Even in times of plenty.

Well, somehow this turned into an essay on "Stacie's emotions". Sorry about that. But if you will indulge me, every once and a while I like to share something that seems more real. And to be vulnerable. Often the people around me just see "Stacie, the girl who has a rocking Etsy shop" and I feel like people think that is all that I am. Or maybe that is how I feel about myself. And I am projecting it onto others.

Thanks for being here. I won't write like this too often, I promise,