November 26, 2010

thankful ramblings

Heyo! (like Andy Bernard from the Office would say)

Thanksgiving came and went, and I have much to be thankful for this year. I am not an organized person, rather, I feel like my thoughts are anything but linear. So pardon me if I just ramble for a paragraph or two.

Thankful for the past year and the growth I have seen in my own self confidence. My closest friends know that I tend to have the most pessimistic view of myself. I'm too curvy. Too self-conscious. Not filtered enough, and yet sometimes, too closed off to let people in. I've been unforgiving. Harsh on those whom I love the most. Guarded with those whom I should be most open with. I tend to feel isolated, yet I do the isolating. Self critical and self deprecating to the point that it is far from cute. That has been me for quite a few years. All of the sudden, I feel renewed. Like I can live in this body. That I can be myself. I can be a good mother. I can be a good friend, no matter the distance or time that passes. I can learn to trust again. I can put my doodles and creativity out there for the world to see and not care (as much) about rejection. Certainly, I still have my slip ups back into "old stacie" like today, when I could not find anything to wear and pulled out all of my clothes to donate to Goodwill out of frustration (don't worry, I came to my senses and they are back on my bed and out of the donate pile). Yet I feel more like myself now. And that feels new to me.

Thankful for this blog. My sister was always the journal keeper growing up. She has dozens and dozens, filled with her deep, spiritual thoughts and her insights into life (Angie, I never went into your room and read them, I promise). I always wanted to be that person. Dedicated in capturing my thoughts on paper. A record of my life. Yet I never trusted myself to write honestly. I was always too afraid to put my thoughts into permanence, for fear of being found out. Does that make any sense? If people really found me out, they would realize how utterly ridiculous and obviously shallow I am. These were mostly my adolescent thoughts at work. I never realized how much simply documenting your day to day activities can help you examine your patterns and force you to change. This blog keeps me on top of things. It keeps me creative and motivated. But it also serves as a place to document young motherhood and being a silly little wife. I strive to be better. To matter. To connect to strangers. To be the version of myself that I have always wanted to be. Somehow, my blog feels important to me and real.

Thankful for the few friends who will have me. Thankful for my amazing friend Jenna. She has been my encourager for years. Somehow in freshman year of college, we hit it off. Closer now than when we lived in the same city. She is moving to London soon, and will take the city by storm. Just you wait! Thankful for my sweet friend Laura, currently gallivanting around Guatemala with her fantastic husband. My sweet sister, Angie. She is smart, organized, a leader in every capacity. Growing up all I wanted to do was what Angie did (but better, because that is what younger siblings do!) but she set the bar so high! Now we are both married, and she is about to be a mother. I am so blessed to live 2 hours from her and to see her often.

Finally, thankful for my Nathan and Violet. Just a few years ago my family life fell apart. Thank God my best friend, Nathan, was there by my side. Through the years we've graduated college, bought 2 houses, had a baby, job changes, watched every episode of Arrested Development at least 8 times, and learned how to grow and change while still being in love. Together, we have Miss Violet to care for. In high school, I was terrified of having children. I am glad that she is in my life!

I could go on and on, but that's it for now!

Ends rambling!